Posted by: jeanne | June 23, 2008

the return of the haunting fears

like i said before, every twinge and you think it’s back. but what happpens when it does come back? then it all becomes real.

and after all the trouble and hassle of getting it checked out, it turns out to be nothing, just good old hypochondriac me.

but what if it doesn’t turn out to be nothing? changes your life in an instant, every time, even the false alarms. just thinking about it changes your life. that’s why people don’t like to think about death. it brings it closer.

but i learned in my castaneda that death advises you, informs your decisions, and is a good friend to have around. and be sure to watch reruns of dead like me.

so i’ve been extra special fatigued since march, when i got into a creating frenzy before my sister’s wedding and way overdid it. my fault, of course. but look at what i accomplished.

so i’m not getting much accomplished at all, the fabric work i’ve been doing has been slow and painstaking. i make progress, but can’t stamp them out like i used to.

about a month ago, in the 100+ degree heat spell we had, i developed a little mosquito bite of a rash on my chest wall, where my right breast used to be. and so i watched it. and it didn’t go away, and so i took it to various oncologists and doctors and am now going to get it biopsied tomottow.

on top of which, my left breast, the breast that’s left, gave me a sharp pain last night, and i felt one of the miilk ducts complaining, so i massaged it and went to bed, and now it doesn’t hurt unless i press on it, but i can still feel all those ducts and fat cells in there, and they’re all lumpy. it’s how old lady’s breasts get, like mushy peas in a sock. and i’m worrying about everything when it all comes to nothing. i’ll get a headache next, and be convinced it’s a brain tumor.

so i have something to worry about, and that is that i’m getting all worried, actively panicked, every time i get an ache or pain. and at my advanced age, yeah, i’m only 52, i’ve got aches and pains everywhere, constantly. which suits my hypochondriac side very nicely.

this is way before any biopsies or sonograms can be done, mind you. i’m getting all panicked out in advance. which is in a way, a wish for it to come true.

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Responses

  1. Jeanne:

    I just stumbled across your blog as I was looking for something for my blog.

    http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/

    I have to tell you that you have given me the best laugh I have had in ages.

    Terribly horrible that you have cancer and the thought of it coming back would be a nightmare. At one point you mentioned that the rash made you think it could be inflammatory breast cancer. Well, in fact, I have that beast and it is a real monster. I have stage 4, so I guess I don’t have to worry about anything coming back.

    Anyway Jeanne, I understood everthing you wrote and felt kindred. (I too am 52.)

    I am not making you a favourite blog and look forward to reading more and learning more about you as you sound amazing.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Renee Khan (I live in Manitoba, Canada)

  2. Hey Jeanne:

    Thanks for your reply. Here is mine:

    — no project
    — I don’t
    — the shits, but thanks for asking

    Ciao. Love Renee


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