Posted by: jeanne | November 19, 2008

cancer art 9

bra15 

the more i look at my kid with her breasts cut out, the sadder i get because of what was done to me, what i lost, how i’ve had to soldier on despite the disfigurement, the punishment for being female.

i see her with large lacking holes in her chest, something missing, something wiped away. scars, tears, lost promises, betrayal by those who we trust our health to. Incuding the food industries and the medical industries. not to mention the cancer industry, tool of satan. milk the noncure process for as long as possible, keeping the patients on the edge of death so the insurance keeps paying out.

sometimes my anger with the various sponsors of terrorism against women i think insulates me from the pain and despair.

today’s work is getting repetetive. i mixed the creamy colored white i had left over from yesterday with the burnt sienna  had left over from yesterday, and put that over all the skin. then i started back in with the shadows. this time raw umber, which has a bluish cast when you mix it with white. this is basically where i left off yesterday. there’s just more depth, jim pointed out when i expressed my frustration.

this is just the same process as writing my chapter. over and over the same ground over and over again, and it’s been over a week since anything was ready to post.

this has been the history also of my medical tests since the mastectomy. test get taken, tests come back negative. more tests are taken. they too come back negative.

let us hope a breakthru in one does not mean a breakthru in all. that would put symbolism way on up there in importance and render luck meaningless.

why am i being so tiresome about being punished as a female? were did i get the idea that there is someone to blame for my having cancer? what kubler-rossstage is that? blame?

denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, grumpy, sleepy, goofy, doc.

in denial of responsibility, they write – attempting to shift the attention away from yourself by justifying, minimizing or blaming, and i’ll add being the victim, something i detest.

so never mind for a moment that i’m perfectly correct to put the responsibility for the epidemic of cancer on the shoulders of industry, the evil alien bloodsucking corporations whose toxic environmental excresences are killing us all. it says that i’m shifting attention from myself in a denial of responsibility. my bad. aren’t i responsible for what happens to me?

don’t i believe that i sat down with god and my lawyers before i was born and hammered out exactly what the guaranteed highlights would be in the course of this lifetime? i do believe this.  credo.

i do believe you chose your parents.

i do believe that god doesn’t give you something you can’t handle.

and i believe that the ultimate responsibility for everything that happens “to” me happens with my consent and foreknowledge, or at least my signature. bring it on and i’ll take a swing at it.

so in this stage of grieving for my life, and please note i’m only working the first stage here, i’m doing the denial thing. i can sit here and review myself when i’m putting the blame on them, and i can feel the same panicky hysteria coming up, a focus for my fear and my anger.

i have this controversial admission to make. i caused my own cancer. i wished it upon myself. i asked god to die now, and she said yes, and i heard the word sparkling in the fundament.

it was after 9/11, and i had despaired of humanity when we went in their like gunslingers, and i remember clearly asking god if i could go home now. and a month or two later i found the first lump.

you can say what you like about this being impossible, but i was there and experienced it and it’s my life and lesson and metaphor and i’m as right as it gets because it’s my own private parallel universe.

so i have already accepted that i am responsbile for the loss i have suffered and continue to suffer, now that i’ve gone and picked it open like a scab by doing this painting and contemplating others. so why am in working thru denial? why do i need to blame the profit-driven inhuman behemouth that in effect runs the world? because it’s the fact? because it’s something i think we should fight?  because i’m the victim and need somebody big and godlike to punish?

materialism is the god of our age. so here am i railing at god. what stage is that? anger. god, the guy who died, family, friends, self. whether they deserve it or not.

anyway, it’s late again, it’s freezing in the gallery, and i’m getting tired enough to not care what i’m saying. it’s going in circles anyway. just like the painting.

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Responses

  1. It is so interesting how our thoughts are so different in many ways Jeanne.

    I don’t feel that God has anything to do with it at all. There is chaos and my body got cancer.

    I do believe in God, but I don’t feel he can heal me, he can only comfort me, when I can be comforted, which is not often.

    I never had a masectomy because I was metastatic at diagnosis, but seeing your pretty girl today was difficult as I have two daughters and I know the fear of them ever getting it.

    Have a good day.

    Love Renee


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