Posted by: jeanne | March 2, 2009

the perils of planning

not that anything’s been going on with my health, i’ll hasten to assure you first. i keep going to doctors; they keep finding nothing wrong with me. the latest is a test for bone tumors. monitoring turns up nothing, but that’s a worrisome negative. what lurks beneath the surface, waiting for the trigger…

i’ve got an artist residency coming up, in seven months but i’m already planning and scheming. the blog of it is here.

my sister is coming for a couple of weeks and we’re going to rent a house on a soon-to-be-ex beach on the carolina coast. that’s in six months.

how much can happen in six months. i’m not posing that as a question, please let me make this clear. i would never do that. it’s like asking god, what else. which you would never do. inviting god to do his worst only gets you hurt.

but every plan i make has a hidden, unspoken thought, yes, if i’m in fit shape to enjoy it and not recovering from surgery or chemo; yes, if i’m still alive.

i leave it out of my discussions with jim and especially susie, who just worries. but it’s always a question.

it seems my great fatigue and accompanying diarrhea all started right after the tornado that went thru across the street from our back yard. i thought it was overwork preparing for my sister’s wedding, which was hectic. but it started before the wedding, while i was feverishly preparing for said wedding, it’s true. so i linked it to the wedding and laughed off teh tornado.

but i have every symptom of post traumatic syndrome, and it’s uncanny. it explains a lot. and i didn’t twig it until the first of the late winter/early spring southern storms that really whip the trees around. and my anxiety about going outside, and driving. and my dietary upsets.

does knowing this cure me? no it doesn’t. but i’m getting less fatigued, and my stool samples are rejected for not being watery enough, si i’m thinking of leaving off doctors for awhile and getting to work on things i’m doing artistically, like in my fabric blog, and preparing for a residency.

which is only kind of like tempting fate. it’s definitely sleeping dogs lie.

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Responses

  1. Jeanne you would have been great to add to our metastatic group the other day becaue I was saying that it is hard to live a life when you don’t know if there is a future.

    Yes I live in the moment, but you can’t only do that all of the time either.

    One of my sisters wants me to go to Vegas, but I have a bunch of scans coming up in March, and then, well who knows what then. If they are stable then I can keep doing what I’m doing, if not I will have to change treatment and who knows.

    Anyway, I think you more than get it.

    Did you get the grant?

    Are you feeling better.

    Love Renee

  2. Oh my God, you would not believe what I received in the mail today.

    The most fabulous scarf with a dragon on it. I think the dragon is me.

    Jeanne, it is so fantastic I can’t believe it. My son Nathan was here and so I had it on and then we both held an end and looked at it. It is incredible.

    I have a question, could I frame it under glass.

    I don’t know yet, I might wear it because it feels so delicious.

    I love it, thank you so much.

    Love Renee xoxoxo

  3. fuck putting it behind glass. wear it, girl. it’s got no magic but what you put into it, and what better than body magic. take it to las vegas. take it to the beach. wear it instead of a bra. it is you.
    love jeanne

  4. What was I thinking. I am going to wear it.

    I love it so much Jeanne. It is incredible to look at. I hang it over a chair so I can see the colours which are spectacular. Then I lay it on the couch. Then my husband went to touch it and I’m like, ‘don’t touch it.’ My daughters absolutely love it too and both had it around their necks.

    Jeanne it is incredible.

    Love Renee xoxox

  5. p.s. you might not think it has magic because you are use to it, but to me, I have never owned anything so gorgeous.

    xoxo

  6. no, what i was saying was that the magic is in you. if you want to focus on it symbolically, great.

    if you want to let them touch it, fine. handwash in cold water and iron while damp.

    you know, you could easily learn how to do silk painting…

    love
    jeanne

  7. Hello Darling:

    I am in the middle of scanxiety.

    I wear my scarf with my spring coat and it is heaven. It is so soft around my face. I love it and thank you for it.

    How are you feeling Jeanne?

    Any more paintings for the cancer series.

    Love Renee xoxo


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