Posted by: jeanne | April 28, 2009

why worry about dying of cancer when there’s swine flu?

hey, i’ve been spending every day preoccupied with my incipient brain tumor or that metastasized bone or liver cancer that i might could be growing. i worry that any minute now it’ll grow to the point of actually being diagnosable. of course i’ve got cancer, i’ve had cancer, you don’t get rid of it, it just goes into hiding until some other stressful event or wrong turn reactivates it and suddenly you’ve got 20 distant tumors.

this is what i live with.

i’m pretty anxious all the time. jim says it’s good, because anxiety and creativity go hand in hand. i just need to direct it. sublimate it. ride it.

but fuck that. we’ve got swine flu, so i’m not downstairs making paintings of planets, i’m up here reading up on the spread of the flu.

first off, its dna has been cobbled together out of two strains of human flu, two strains of pig flu, and a bird flu. nobody’s ever seen anything like this before.

outside of a lab.

outside of a lab.

the strains come from different continents, nobody’s got any immunity to it, and while authorities say that there are definite medicines that will handle the viri, people at ground zero are saying that the antivirals the government’s stockpiled aren’t working.

except that when they sequenced the virus dna, they discovered that it was all cobbled-together bits of swine flu, and no avian or human flu bits at all. the press is still reporting the original conspiracy-theory-promoting 3-headed monster story, however.

it’s going to be interesting to watch the dots on the map grow as the disease spreads.

it’s very interesting to be seeing this happen. the news channels give the news, but that’s the official line, and you can get that anywhere you look on the internet. what’s hard to come by is people who know what’s going on. insider information.

when you know all the pieces of a complex situation, you’re in a better position to figure out what’s going on for yourself, which means you’re no longer at the mercy of the official authorities. which is why i love the internet.

i have pluto prominent in my birthchart. this gives me a fascination with large scale events. i live for hurricane activity in the summer, i thrill at thunderstorms, and i’m still high from the tornado that went thru the back yard last spring. catastrophic change spellbinds me. if a meteor hit the earth this afternoon, i’d be outside staring up at it at the time.

so part of me is rooting for a pandemic. and i’m thinking of stocking up on canned and powdered milk because we’ve got the grandson in the house.

i’ve been expecting the first cases to show up in atlanta. we should have had something reported overnight. i’ll give it a few more days. it’s spreading mathematically in europe. i think the numbers will be downplayed. there’s a doctor in mexico city that says it’s vastly underreported, and in the hinterland they haven’t been reporting it.

to recap, i’ve been spending all my emotional energy worrying that i’m going to have a recurrence, an operation, chemo and radiation, and then another recurrence, and die. real soon now.

and here’s something new that could sweep thru here in another couple of weeks, and take us all, or take my girl, or jim, or the baby. so why am i worrying about someday getting cancer and dying, when i could be coming down with something and lose it all next week?

you know how we were all worried about herpes right before aids broke out, and after that herpes didn’t seem so important? i think i’ll go downstairs and paint now.


  1. I will go bury my head back in the sand.

    How are you my most interesting friend? You have the grandson there, that is a good thing.

    Love Rene xoxo

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