Posted by: jeanne | June 1, 2009

anxiety isn’t just a river in egypt

i think i’ve been anxious all my life. i’ve just never realized it until now. everyone who knows me laughs out loud at that, because it’s apparent to everybody. but me. and i don’t mean to list it all now.

i’ve been waiting for these random aches and pains to resolve into a tumor i can feel, because then i’ll have been right all along, and something’s been wrong with me for years.

for a whole year i had symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome because a tornado went thru my back yard. this distracted me from the anxiety i was feeling because i was taking several years too long to recover from surgery. this distracted me from worrying about getting a recurrence immediately and dying. and like i said it goes way back in my personality.

now i’m fine with the tornado. but that’s because swine flu started up on or about the anniversary of the tornado (which is the conspiracy trigger for me)

cuz i’m a swine flu believer. i’m a flublogist, a flubie, a complete catastrophist. yes sir, the flu is real and coming atcha, and i’ve been watching it like a hawk for over a month now. and it was only when i acted like i was going to die, out in the passenger seat with jim driving the other day, that i was extremely edgy and tense, way moreso than usual, actually hard to control.

i guess obsessing on swine flu isn’t really conducive to a meditative state.

and then there’s all the things coming up.

i’m busy getting my kid’s maltese pregnant so we can have babies. i’m going to mexico in july with one of jim’s kids’ family. the puppies come the beginning of august. my sister is visiting at the end of august. the puppies are ready to go in mid september. i’m going to ireland in october and jim and i are going to amsterdam from there in early november.

so of course i’m doing all this travel arranging, and gazing at maps, and looking up histories and wasting a whole lot of time, but at least i’m not obsessing about swine flu at the moment. i’ve actually given that up for the last couple of days to obsess on travel.

but in the back of my mind there’s always the great but.

the biggest but is that the mammogram and sonogram come back suspicious and we do a biopsy and then we take the other breast off and i have to fight to keep my lymph nodes. then 6 weeks of recovery sandwiched in with the rest of my hectic schedule.

no, what really happens is that all of those lovely plans get torn up and i begin another round of assault on my cancer.

unless, of course, the swine flu gets us all starting in august.

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Responses

  1. Only worries of travel. Only worries of travel. Only worries of travel.

    No other worries except the worry about if this is going to be the best European vacation ever.

    Guess who had a beautiful silk scarve around her neck the other night?

    That’s right.

    xoxoxo


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