Posted by: jeanne | December 20, 2011

my headaches

i have started getting headaches.  i’ve had four or five at this point, in the past six months.

i will shift something subtle in my neck.  the first time it happened while stretching for a kiss.  this time it happened sitting up reading a book late last night.  the first i’ll know about the headache is a tiny little nag of discomfort, somewhere in the nether regions of my neck and shoulders. by nether regions, i mean my consciousness, but i could also mean my aura.  not yet quite physical, but there constantly, first in the corner of my awareness, and at the height of it, consuming most of my brain, so that i can think of nothing else but this little thrum of discomfort.

it’s only a headache, after all, but it becomes overwhelming.

it starts mild, but then takes over more and more of my consciousness, and the more i move, the worse it gets.  if i should get up and try to walk the dogs, or anything other than going to the bathroom and back, then i will get nauseous and have to throw up, or at least gag a lot.  i will also have diarrhea from dealing with a low-grade headache all night.

the only cure is to sleep.  that is, being up and about only makes it worse. i can’t keep down any aspirin or stronger, so i don’t know about drugs.

it’s not really sleep.  it’s dozing, diving as far down into sleep as possible, but always aware of the center of pain.  i’m always adjusting my neck, thinking i’ll finally pop whatever vertebra it is and i can go back to normal.

my dreams are instructive.  they’re all about working out problems, finding precise answers, making small adjustments.

this afternoon i realized that the central conflict in my latest novel is the split between male/female yin/yang.  this was something shown me in one of these dreams.

i’ve noticed a direct correlation between noise and headache pain.  when i’m asleep, there’s no input, and no paint.  when i’m dreaming, the pain is talking to me.  when i’m lying there dozing half awake, i’m constantly aware of the pain.  and when there’s outside input – the dogs bark, jim answers the phone – my head hurts with the amount of processing i have to do on the input.  the more i think, the more it hurts.  the more of noise i have to deal with, the more i have to think.  is this just some quantum threshhold of awareness?

finally i’d been in bed for six hours, and slept all i could.

as he rubbed my shoulders, i could feel the tension in muscles down my back, like thick ropy worms, each one painful and swollen.  everywhere he moved his hands to rub – around my clavicles, over my shoulder joints, around the front of my neck – i could feelnew thorbbing pains, new muscles feeling congested and starved of oxygen.

i kept going ooh internally as he swept across a muscle, thinking this is the one that’s causing it.  but i didn’t have the energy to say anything, so he kept moving without any direction from me.

he kept away from the part of my neck where all the pain seems to be coming from.  until the last.  then it felt like it wanted to be touched, so i asked him to rub those muscles that attach to the base of your skull and run all the way down the back.

jim’s energy is strong – he can’t wear watches – and when he rubs my back i can feel it in my organs, way deeper than where he’s touching.  i found myself thinking about all the bodyworkers i know who work with their minds instead of their energy, thinking their way around someone’s body.  i wondered if i shouldn’t become certified in something so that we could rpactice together.  and then i realized that i was thinking, and released the thoughts by concentrating on what jim was doing.

when i was learning a particular soft-massage renegade rolfing technique, they liked to caution you that the work would radically change your body in subtle ways, and that you shouldn’t rely on your normal sense of balance after a session.  but that was rather presumptive of their healing skills.  i always went out and climbed on the rocks down next to the sea after my sessions, laughing about it.  but i daren’t lean over suddenly after my spot massage from jim, because i am half out of my body with the release of attachments.

no matter what he has done to me, the amount of healing i took in, i still have to release the kink in my neck and let everything go back to normal now.  myself.



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