Posted by: jeanne | March 7, 2012

on being a not-victim

i haven’t posted anything personal to this blog for some time, because i haven’t been worrying about when my cancer will return.  i’ve been getting on with my life and following the urges that i used to repress, because cancer has taught me that time is short.  no matter how long it is. (and this is free information even to those who don’t face death with every twinge – time goes by faster every year, it’s not just a metaphor.)

one of the things i learned early in my dance with death was that i had to be ruthless with my health.  at first i had to be ruthless because i was fragile and had no stamina at all, and could be drained by the slightest thing.  so i would hang up on a family member who loves to call and make me feel bad about myself.  just hang up.  no arguing, no asking them to tone it down.  just click.  and when they called back and started berating me all over, click.  ruthless.  i don’t care what agenda you have, if it makes me feel bad, even slightly, i’m going to make you stop.  i’ll walk away.  i’ll put on the brakes and turn the engine off and sit stonily until you get out.  fucking ruthless.

and this is good.

i’ve been in abusive relationships most of my life (until i got cancer).  starting with a classically dysfunctional family of origin, thru 3 abusive long-term relationships – no, 4; and there was that string of 20-minute boyfriends, but they were just reminders.  at the moment i’m working up a piece of fiction that stars abusive characters and even abusive societies.  so i’m studying abusive relationships, abusive traits, authoritarians, narcissists, histrionic personality disorder.  all of which are pretty maddening to encounter.  we see the same thing in contemporary politics, and what’s going on right now really pisses me off.  so i’m dealing with a whole lot of angry energy.

because i’m facing all the abuse i’ve submitted myself to over the years.  and that makes me mad.

and today being a full moon, i had a big instance of being mad with someone very close to me who is all of those links above at the one time, and who, while whining about their innocence, was sticking the blade in and turning.

but i’m being ruthless, and i’m not putting up with it.  so the whining fell on deaf ears, and all the things that are my fault…lalalalalalala i can’t hear you.

it felt bad being there; i’d been roped into it at the last minute because it was an emergency, and i was being berated for not being supportive enough and not in quite the right way.

i didn’t argue, because it was falling on deaf ears.  people who are like all those links above will not accept, or hear, that they could be wrong, or that the bad things that happen to them (as a taste of their own medicine) could ever be their fault.  so it’s pointless to tell them how they’re wrong.  even tho they’re begging you to tell them what they’re doing to deserve such treatment from you (that treatment being when you just sit there and refuse to be drawn into the drama).  i tried, just to be fair, to voice what they might be doing wrong, but was immediately drowned out.

and my torment was cut short because while berating me, they were calling and texting others to come to the rescue, and had me drop them at a convenience store to wait for someone else to pick them up.

i had one hell of a wave of anger as i drove home.  and wondered how best to use it.

i have been advised by people who are just like all those links up there, that i am an angry and weak person, and also anxious, and i should take xanax to calm me down.  but i don’t really want to calm down except by spending the energy.  i don’t want it to eat away at me.  that nasty ache in the gut will kill you if you let it sit there.  breathe deep and shove out it thru your pores.

i did a lot of that on the way home.

and then i reflected about how numbing that kind of anger is the wrong way to get rid of it.  the energy of that anger can be turned to good, can be used as passion, can be used creatively.

but rather than come home and slash black paint  on canvas, i decided to write this blog post.

because when you have had cancer, and the cancer was a reflection of self hatred, then you just can’t afford to spend a lot of time doubting yourself, wondering if you were too hard on them, should give them a second chance – well, a hundredth chance.  you have to look at the bad feeling in your gut, and then look to see what triggered it.  and this particular bad feeling was someone who insisted that i give my power to them because they needed it more than me, because i am a bad person. specifically, i was being required to give unconditional support and approval to a bunch of behaviors that i find painful, stupid, and unthinking.

and of course this post lacks any kind of point because i’m pulling my punches, being vague, pretending. so i don’t hurt someone who might read it.  but this is a (see links) kind of person, and nothing i do is going to be good enough, so why am i only alluding?

because the anger has faded, and now i’m just tired.

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